The Headmistress Writes

stteresaSource: Private Eye, issue 1426

Good afternoon,

theresa-mayIt’s a pleasure to be back from holiday and to find the school is still intact and hasn’t burnt down, despite Mr Johnson being in charge for a few days. He’s clearly been in my study, though, sitting in my chair and using my computer – though at his age he should really have learned to delete his browsing history.

I don’t wish to embarrass Mr Johnson, but it may come as a shock to you that his most frequent Google search was “What is Brexit?”. He really should pay more attention to what I say during Assembly, which is that Brexit, quite simply, means Brexit.

And you can imagine how I felt on my return to discover that the “boys” in the senior staff room (Mr Johnson, Mr Fox and Mr Davis) had been quarrelling. Delighted! Really, the three of them must sort themselves out or else they’ll end up performing so badly that the Headmistress will have to fire them, which would not be what she planned at all, in any way, all along, oh no, quite the opposite.

I gather that in the school accommodation that they share, “Squabbling House,” the three of them are already arguing about whose milk is whose in the shared fridge, not to mention whether the occasional overnight guests such as Mr Werritty should contribute to the bills. As for the kitchen chores, well they can stop arguing about who’s washed up, because they all will be soon. Can I suggest they take back control of their own personal space and don’t let anyone else in. Good luck with that, chaps!

On the whole I’ve decided to follow the approach of our friends in the Swiss Alps – and remain neutral while looking down on everyone from a very great height.

Mrs T May (Headmistress)
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2 responses to “The Headmistress Writes

  1. Very funny!

  2. There is a shop just off Bond Street, London that sells brollies and canes. They have a robust custom supplying bamboo canes to schools for disciplinary use. Suppliers to the Empire. One can choose for boys (bare bullocks), girls (through the bloomers) or switches (for the back of calves).

    The question is, of course, “What is the esteemed Headmistress’ perime choice?”