April 17, Pyongyang (The Borowitz Report) – In a major foreign-policy coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea offered to unconditionally abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after Mike Pence spent several minutes angrily squinting at the nation from just across the border.
Warning North Korea that the United States had jettisoned its policy of “strategic patience” and that “all options were on the table,” Pence fixed his steely glare on the isolated Communist nation and began furiously staring it down.
After Pence spent between five and six minutes demonstrating U.S. resolve by squinting indignantly, the government in Pyongyang released a statement indicating that North Korea’s nuclear ambitions were a thing of the past.
“We will henceforth abandon our nuclear program and dismantle all existing nuclear facilities,” read the official statement from North Korean President Kim Jong-un. “In exchange, we request that Mike Pence stop giving us that really mean look.”
Moments after the North Korean statement, Pence ordered his facial muscles to stand down, and the Vice-President’s face assumed a peacetime footing.
At the White House, press secretary Sean Spicer said that the successful U.S. action in North Korea should “send a strong message to barbaric dictators around the world that the United States stands ready to use the full force and fury of Mike Pence’s angry face.”
Spicer said that, after leaving North Korea, Pence was dispatched to Mosul, Iraq, where he is scheduled to spend several minutes angrily squinting at ISIS.